the soundtrack to my life...

This list isn't perfect yet, but here are some of the songs that fit different times in my life...(they are in some chronological order):

Love Song for a Savior Jars of Clay

How to Save a Life The Fray

Hanging by a Moment Lifehouse

Psalm 13 Shane & Shane

Disappear Jars of Clay

Unwell Matchbox Twenty

When Did You Fall? Chris Rice

I Can't Do This Plumb

I Need a Hero Chris Rice

Beauty for Ashes Shane & Shane

Better When We're Together Jack Johnson

Feels Like Home Chantel Kreviazuk

Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Not a God (You Are God Alone)

woot!

my 'rents are coming!!!!!!!

i couldn't be more excited!!

the post from a current insomniac

for about six months now i have been sleeping poorly. i usually fall asleep fine (though in the last couple weeks, that has changed), but after 1am, i continue to wake up. i'm a light sleeper and feel like i dream a lot. it's as if my brain is on overload and just keeps firing information. it won't shut off or up. i continue to think about things i need to do or things i didn't do or things i did...just keeps going...even when i want it to stop. i try to think about nothing, but as soon as a drift off to a light sleep, i'm right back...in the middle of a day...in the middle of a future day....trapped in a constant field of motion...always doing...no rest...

i can usually tell if i got "enough" sleep to get through the day in my walk to the shower in the morning. if i bump into the bathroom door, i know it's going to be a bad day.

insomnia is the most painful thing i can imagine right now. i usually ache the day after a bad night - my body feels so sleep-deprived that i ache. i sometimes get these weird pains in my head (like behind my ear). i'm not sure if they're related, but i got one yesterday (on the left side of my head...they're usually on the right side), and i knew i wasn't going to sleep. and i didn't. last night was the worst night of sleep i've had in a long time.

not to mention that sleep has become my obsession. i talk about it constantly, i think about it constantly. you don't realize how much sleep influences your life until you don't get it any more.

i don't need any suggestions. i've read more articles and books on the topic to write my own book or article, but we don't know enough to fix things right now. "solutions" are plentiful. drink warm milk, establish a bedtime routine, go to bed in a dark room, maintain "sleep hygiene" (i detest that inference), take medication. i'm tired of hearing things as if i'm not "doing it right." i've spent time praying about it. i feel broken. everyone else can sleep, why not me? i'm trapped in this sleepless pattern.

every night, i'm hopeful. i think: this is the night that i'm going to sleep on my own. i feel like if i could just get a few nights sleep on my own, i would feel so much better. i would stop thinking about the lack of sleep...i will continue to hope.

No More Chains

N. Nordeman

How did I get locked up inside?
What’s this that renders me paralyzed?
I lost myself in small pieces
It happened over time

I traded love for a heavy chain
Another link every other day
I pulled it up and down a mountain
It made me want to say…

No more chains
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away

I wonder now if the choice was mine
The door was open, I walked inside
Nobody had my arm twisted
Nobody made me stay

The face of freedom can show up small
A tiny crack in a prison wall
A song that rises up from silence
A voice that wants to say…

I should let you give me wings
I should let you set me free

brokenness

it's been a tough year, with a lot of changes. i didn't think they would (or did) affect me until recently. but God is so good.

i've noticed a brokenness that God is working into my life. i'm really hard on myself. i expect a lot, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. we need high standards so that we are not complacent or lazy in our faith. recently, however, it was getting a little dysfunctional. ironically, as i've come back and have really tried to be the person that God is calling me to be, i lost the grace and freedom that God gives us. as someone who walked away from my faith, i was actually less hard on myself and more forgiving. i did not care whether i messed up, but relaxed, let stuff go wrong and got back up when it was over. in this new life (a wife, a new church, a new job), i wanted to succeed and make God proud of me. instead of relying on God to work His perfect will and correct me, though, i tried to do it o my own. i created this image of what i needed to be and worked so hard to fulfill it. i failed miserably, though. i relied on myself to be perfect and be that "perfect wife" in the church. when i missed the mark, i fell so hard. it was a cycle of negative and depressing dialogue that was belittling my identity in Christ and nearly ruining what should be a happy life. in the middle of all of this, i started to lose sleep. i would go to sleep without any problem, but would not stay asleep. this certainly compounded the problem because i became so sensitive to little mistakes.

thank goodness for the words of Christ:

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matt. 11:29)

i don't need to do this on my own. it is not me who works to my good -- it's God. how many times do i have to lose sight of this awesome truth? i can't make myself perfect. that's why Christ came.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:6)

rest and completion. i cannot do that own my own. it is not my responsibility. i just need to humble and submit myself to God's perfect will and He will work in me to complete His good work in my life.

i still notice my dialogue becoming negative at times. i'm trying very hard to relax and rely on God. i do not need to try so hard. this is a wonderful opportunity to become closer to God. i'm still not sleeping well, but i think God's just giving me a full opportunity to call on His strength.