the post from a current insomniac

for about six months now i have been sleeping poorly. i usually fall asleep fine (though in the last couple weeks, that has changed), but after 1am, i continue to wake up. i'm a light sleeper and feel like i dream a lot. it's as if my brain is on overload and just keeps firing information. it won't shut off or up. i continue to think about things i need to do or things i didn't do or things i did...just keeps going...even when i want it to stop. i try to think about nothing, but as soon as a drift off to a light sleep, i'm right back...in the middle of a day...in the middle of a future day....trapped in a constant field of motion...always doing...no rest...

i can usually tell if i got "enough" sleep to get through the day in my walk to the shower in the morning. if i bump into the bathroom door, i know it's going to be a bad day.

insomnia is the most painful thing i can imagine right now. i usually ache the day after a bad night - my body feels so sleep-deprived that i ache. i sometimes get these weird pains in my head (like behind my ear). i'm not sure if they're related, but i got one yesterday (on the left side of my head...they're usually on the right side), and i knew i wasn't going to sleep. and i didn't. last night was the worst night of sleep i've had in a long time.

not to mention that sleep has become my obsession. i talk about it constantly, i think about it constantly. you don't realize how much sleep influences your life until you don't get it any more.

i don't need any suggestions. i've read more articles and books on the topic to write my own book or article, but we don't know enough to fix things right now. "solutions" are plentiful. drink warm milk, establish a bedtime routine, go to bed in a dark room, maintain "sleep hygiene" (i detest that inference), take medication. i'm tired of hearing things as if i'm not "doing it right." i've spent time praying about it. i feel broken. everyone else can sleep, why not me? i'm trapped in this sleepless pattern.

every night, i'm hopeful. i think: this is the night that i'm going to sleep on my own. i feel like if i could just get a few nights sleep on my own, i would feel so much better. i would stop thinking about the lack of sleep...i will continue to hope.