brokenness

it's been a tough year, with a lot of changes. i didn't think they would (or did) affect me until recently. but God is so good.

i've noticed a brokenness that God is working into my life. i'm really hard on myself. i expect a lot, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. we need high standards so that we are not complacent or lazy in our faith. recently, however, it was getting a little dysfunctional. ironically, as i've come back and have really tried to be the person that God is calling me to be, i lost the grace and freedom that God gives us. as someone who walked away from my faith, i was actually less hard on myself and more forgiving. i did not care whether i messed up, but relaxed, let stuff go wrong and got back up when it was over. in this new life (a wife, a new church, a new job), i wanted to succeed and make God proud of me. instead of relying on God to work His perfect will and correct me, though, i tried to do it o my own. i created this image of what i needed to be and worked so hard to fulfill it. i failed miserably, though. i relied on myself to be perfect and be that "perfect wife" in the church. when i missed the mark, i fell so hard. it was a cycle of negative and depressing dialogue that was belittling my identity in Christ and nearly ruining what should be a happy life. in the middle of all of this, i started to lose sleep. i would go to sleep without any problem, but would not stay asleep. this certainly compounded the problem because i became so sensitive to little mistakes.

thank goodness for the words of Christ:

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matt. 11:29)

i don't need to do this on my own. it is not me who works to my good -- it's God. how many times do i have to lose sight of this awesome truth? i can't make myself perfect. that's why Christ came.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:6)

rest and completion. i cannot do that own my own. it is not my responsibility. i just need to humble and submit myself to God's perfect will and He will work in me to complete His good work in my life.

i still notice my dialogue becoming negative at times. i'm trying very hard to relax and rely on God. i do not need to try so hard. this is a wonderful opportunity to become closer to God. i'm still not sleeping well, but i think God's just giving me a full opportunity to call on His strength.