I'm dying to know, do you do you like dreaming of things, so impossible or only the practical

so i've recently become obsessed with taking pictures. i started a couple weeks ago as a way to "express" how i was feeling because words just didn't seem to cut it. anyway, it's been a great way for me to attempt to relax or at least gather my thoughts.

a lot of time has gone into what i want my life to be. i've realized that i'm a fairly boring person with so little to say beyond academic-ese. what happened to me? last year was so great and so much fun and now i come home do work, and hang out with my cat (which i love, don't get my wrong). i just wish i knew where i was going or at least how to enjoy the ride. i'm too young to be watching tv so often. i think entirely too much about the future that i'm starting feel like i'm missing the present. i need to fix this and soon...

boston.

so i went to boston yesterday. i loved it. it's a great city. i can't wait to go back.

i took the green line in from riverside and met up with liz (after some confusion about where i was...). we walked around and she showed me newbury street, the commons, frog pond, the original filene's basement (i'm still not sure what the big deal is...), and BU. we grabbed lunch at a cute thai restaurant, and i have to admit that i don't think i'm all about thai...i know i'm so unsophisticated.

after that, i waited for several hours (okay, 20 minutes, but it was snowing and cold) for a T back to copley so i could meet up with lauren and manuel. i called lauren to see where she was and she and i have a "lovely" fight (i was tired, cold and lost and she was just defensive, confused and annoyed):
me: "i'm by the big shiny building."
lauren: "what big shiny building? you need to come to the prudential center. we're in the mall"
me: [grumbling and other pissed-off speak]

(later)me: "now, i'm by the mariott."
lauren: "we aren't in the mariott."
me: "no f**k. i don't know how to get there. come find me. i'm by the california pizza kitchen."

no worries, we were fine after finding each other. somehow in the midst of trying to find her and john, though, i lost one of my gloves. sigh. we spent the afternoon shopping/chatting (i bought headphones because i forgot to bring mine...a mistake). it was so good to see my buddies. after dinner manuel, lauren and i went to a "maxim" approved bar (no, seriously...) to hang out and chat. it was fun. until i realized that i lost my hat somewhere as we were walking to the train station. sigh...it's my favorite. manuel is my hero for going to find it.

so in all: lost a glove, lost a hat, and gained crappy headphones that didn't stay in my ears. :-\ it's a good thing everything else was fun.

(i've posted my pics from the day here, but i'll probably also put them on the gallery because i ran out of monthly uploads at flickr :-(. sorry.)

the unhappy post.

i have to make a major decision today. when things are pushed and you are really in the situation that you spent time hypothesizing, when you are really standing face-to-face with what you believe and the reprecussions that may result, how do you honestly follow what you know in your heart is just? am i willing to sacrifice a little bit of me, accept any reprecussions, and do what i think is right? or will i strink away? do i have reason enough to back down? is there a rational decision in the end? probably not. this is going to be something i'll have to follow my heart with. "rock and hard place" decisions often are, i suppose. i apologize, as after re-reading that, it couldn't be more cryptic. i want to avoid details if i can...

that aside, the last couple weeks have been fairly difficult for me. i'm not sure if i'm just so consumed by this situation, or if things have just been actually more difficult, but it feels nearly impossible to breathe sometimes. i feel so overwhelmed by my feelings. my heart just feels broken, as if someone is constantly dropping it. i just keep waiting for this moment to pass.


"...and it was at that moment that i realized how lonely i felt: crowded, in a subway, with a million people crammed into the little car. how could i have felt so lonely when there were so many people around me? how could i feel alone in my heart when i know in my head there's nothing further from the truth? nonetheless, i did. i felt alone. and i wanted you...."

yeah, that's cool...

freakin' awesome!

brain dead at the moment. need to do more work. off to boston tomorrow. wiil probably post pics to flickr (see link in sidebar, por favor)

democracy

let's talk about democracy. let's talk about how it doesn't work because there are always people in power and people who have stronger personality, more social capital or whatever you want to pin it on, but they run the show. let's talk about there are a group of individuals who you either agree with or you don't. let's talk about how if you disgree with these people, you get shot down and your ideas matter little. "run by the people"? more like, "run by the people IF YOU AGREE WITH US." if we all have a voice, why are some voices valued more than others?

i have never been disillusioned by a system as much i as was yesterday. i'm supposed to go to a meeting on Friday but I don't plan to anymore. this is why people don't vote. because they know (wisely) that despite their efforts, little will come from the whispered voices. why put out the effort? i have better things to do with my time.

the opium of the people

(apparently that quote is often misinterpretted and used out of context...)

i spent most of this afternoon reading for my CAM class (i happened to fall asleep - no offense Karl, but your writing could be more exciting). the next module is on secularization so we're starting with the "big three" (marx, durkheim, and weber) + parsons. it's good times. i got out my old theory notes from UD and am impressed with how helpful they were. kudos to dr. bowler! :-) my brain got back in gear and i have a quick/easy reference for when i can't understand the muddle that is the classics. good times.

since zoe has lost most of her toys (please don't suggest to look under the couch/chair/bed as i have done so many times), i went out and purchase a bagful of new small furry mice for her. she is much happier now, thank you. how i spoil my cat.

lost is a rerun tonight which means i'm headin' down to s. hadley for some princess bride. i <3 you, inigo and fezzik. :-)

the curse of email...

because it's true.

ah procrastination

if you're going to procrastinate, at least do it well. that's my motto. it's also how i ended up finding this.

today would have been lame, had it not been for the semi-productive coffee time with ms. marianne. apparently 99% of the cohort (and maybe the dept?) has procrastinationistis. fabulous. we have stats homework due tomorrow and i genuinely do not care too much whether i get it right. okay, i do, but it's done so it's done.

okay, i have nothing else important to say so i'm going to stop wasting your time.

idle thoughts and daydreams

i want to get some of these posters for my office, should i ever get to be a prof (the outlook of which isn't so great at the current moment). in particular, i would get this one or this one or even possibly this one . i think that demonstrates what a positive experience teaching has been thus far. (actually, i take that back. it hasn't been so bad this semester...)

i've been considering other life plans lately. just day dreaming really. just for general reference, how much a person really needs a soul? because i could totally sell mine, move back to DE, and work at MBNA. or i could just give up, stay here and work at stop and shop. or work at starbucks in springfield (mmm. starbucks). waitressing isn't an option - it was a horrible horrible experience in high school and i can't imagine that it's gotten better. i have no substantial musical talents so the indie rock chick thing couldn't work out either (plus, embarrassingly - is that a word..? - anyway, i do like some mainstream music). um, that leaves...i'm not sure. and this is when i arrive at the idea that i'm stuck in grad school.

please tell me this gets better because at the current moment, i feel like i'm drowning.

yeah, what she said.

"Vague rules and low expectations are forms of social control. They lead to mediocrity and hinder creative thought. F**k that shit. I came to graduate school and almost forgot that I'm a smart, curious, and ambitious person. Not any more."

and the people said: AMEN.

big study

and what they don't tell you is that in the experimental group, at least 50% didn't follow the regimen closely or at all. what we know about self-report behavior in sociology, is that people lie or won't tell you the truth. so if 50% actually admitted it, then there were probably more. while there's a large, i would argue that these findings probably are far from conclusive (there might not have been true differences between the experimental and control samples). there were other issues noted in the article, so i won't spend time going over my other methodological concerns. and they say social scientist aren't bad scientists...

(i'm not suggesting that people should/should not take supplements, just stating some methodological concerns)

pensive

tears and rain

it wasn't a great day today at all. well, it could have been much worse, but in grad school days normally aren't relative. so, things are crazy right now and i'm not sure what's going to happen or what i'm going to do.

that aside, i came home to spend time with my kitten. i needed a little furry thing to show me some affection and make me feel better about the world. however, when i came home, there was no kitten to be found. somehow, she had escaped (i swear that she was in the apt when i left, but idk...maybe she's related to the cat-houdini). so after talking with my neighbor and several teary phone calls with my mother to establish that she was definitely not anywhere in the apt, i decided to go outside, where she met me on the porch. that damn cat has one requirement: to be home when i come back from school. and she goes and blows it within a month of my adopting her. honestly.

unbelievable...

i have no words for this except to say that pharmacuetical companies are the devil.

PS - in keeping with my anti-valentine's day effort, i went to cvs after school today and got my chocolate at 50% off. mmmm. :-)

the big mean vacuum

zoe was hiding from the big mean vacuum again. at least this time she didn't get stuck in a pillow sham...

genius times two!

look who figured out how to put links in text! :-D here's a random place to go

she thinks she's a hard-ass...

so despite my attempts to be all tough and anti-valentine's day, it failed. a couple friends sent me valentine's day card and it was super sweet and who can hate v-day when they're getting love in the form of a card? other than that, it's just been a so-so day. it doesn't mean that i didn't truly appreciate anti-valentine's day links (such as this). because i will still attempt to be anti-v-day.

this post is an attempt to recover from an attempt to do statistics homework. my brain feels like a melted ice cream cone in july and i was about to throw out my textbook. as a friend said, "yeah, don't do that. they're expensive. books and windows." so i'm going to vacuum my apt and then return to do more work when the temptation has lessened. hopefully soon. or maybe not because i don't feel like working anymore...

grey's my new favorite color

since the beginning of grad school, i've accumulated a lot of TV shows that i watch regularly. i'm definitely not proud of the fact that i can't think after reading 300+ pp of academic blabber. it's shaming to admit this publicly because academics are somehow not supposed to watch so much TV, but i am absolutely addicted to several shows. tuesday: house. wednesday: lost, sex and the city (reruns on TBS). sunday is the motherload: simpsons, home makeover, desparate housewives/family guy, and grey's anatomy. i'm in love with dr. george o'malley from anatomy. in fact, if anyone knows anyone who looks/acts like him, please let me know. especially if he's in the western mass vicinity, because i would marry him in a heartbeat. if only i were kidding...



okay, now that i've reduced myself to a pathetic couch potato and/or completely humiliated myself by professing my love for a character on TV, i'm off to bed.

i'm with the anti-valentine's day people

anti-vday people

and this guy too

so in a brave move, i've decided that valentine's day is overrated and that i'd like to sue hallmark, kay's, 1-800-flowers, and anyone else profitting from such a cruel and evil "holiday." anyone willing to join me? we could make this like a class action deal. despite this idle threat, i am horribly annoyed about the 10,000 commercials i've seen in the last three weeks, which basically reduce love to jewelry, flowers, cards, and dinner. it also exploits the whole gender roles conceptualization and otherwise furthers capital interests. while the gender role thing (in this case) is typically in my favor, i would like to say that i still think it's a dumb, overrated, overly-commercialized holiday.

okay, enough sounding like a jealous singleton. i got zoe a laser pointer yesterday from petco (and for the record, because i have to tell someone - the guy at the checkout line looked like he didn't belong there. like he was the kinda guy you'd accuse if your cat went missing...), which she absolutely loves. the best part is that i can sit and do work or otherwise do something and she and i can play. this is an important feature for a multi-tasker like myself. in some ways i feel bad, because hard as she tries, she'll never catch the little dot. and she tries so hard.

finally, in other news, this is my 100th post. nothing special - no balloons or otherwise craziness. just thought i'd say it. there's a lot of procrastination bulit into those 100 post. thanks.

genius.

i figured out how to do the links on the sidebar. it wasn't actually difficult, but the last time i attempted it, i screwed it up. go me. (this is why i'm in grad school, because honestly, i doubt my abilities to function in the "real world")

delightful.

i had turkish delight today - well, actually i had it last week, but forgot to mention it. we have two women in my cohort from turkey and after seeing narnia, they thought it would be fun to bring some turkish delight from turkey. good times. doesn't taste at all like what i expected, but it's really good.

so to not leave out the antics of my crazy cat, zoe got herself stuck in a pillow sham tuesday. how did such an event occur? i was vacuuming my apt, which scares the daylights out of her, so she was hiding. after i was done, i called her but she didn't come. i went to look for her to see if she was doing something bad and when i got to my bedroom, i heard this little "mew" coming from my bed, near my window sill. i thought she was just hiding behind the blinds, but as i walked toward my window, i saw the pillows wiggling and thought that she was just hiding under them, so i moved them. apparently she wasn't behind the pillows, but in one of them (in the words of liz, "you two were obviously meant for each other..."). she has since learned to avoid pillows and has, instead, taking up climbing the stove to get to the kitchen counters.

PS

sex and the city made the day seem better. yay satc.

Charlotte: Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting.
Samantha: As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine.

i need a hug :0(

today was a very bad day: the type of day that makes you want to regress to childhood, curl up in a ball and never leave your bed. while i'll spare you the gory details, suffice it to say that the high point was running late this morning and then following someone to school, who insisted on doing the speed limit (but not using signals...). i'm wondering if the whole phd dealy is going to be worth it. after reading my email after lunch, i totally debated skipping my office hours and instead going to the grad lounge for a glass of wine, which would have meant i would have been slightly tipsy through my TA. in fact, if it weren't for the fact that Lost is new tonight, i would be in bed right now.

in conclusion, i hope people had a better day than me. otherwise, there is no good in the world. seriously.

it better be on...

dear fox,

if you don't play House tonight, i refuse to be responsible for my actions. a girl can only take so much american idol - with the sucky people who think they sing and do not have people who love them to tell them otherwise - not to mention mr. seacrest. seriously, i'm going through withdrawal and school is making me crazy. you have been warned.

thank you.

disasters disasters everywhere, except in the UMass library

so the umass library has no books on disasters and no subscription to the big disaster journal (IJMED). in short, they suck and leave me to have to stop by the DRC. not that i mind having an excuse to stop by the center, but honestly if you're going to have a library that is TWENTY-FIVE stories, help a girl out! in their defense, they do have one book - but it's in one of the satellite libraries and i don't know where it is. the other book i need is probably lost or otherwise wandering around the acadmic universe past its due date. people: the due dates are important. for other students. also, don't write in the book. didn't you learn anything in grade school from the mean librarian? they better still have mean librarians. honestly. who will scare young children? mean librarians serve a huge purpose to the better treatment of pulicly shared books.

okay, aside from those points, yesterday was mediocre. i was so-so productive, generally grouchy (and specifically grouchy after stats...) and called it an early night (went to bed around 10pm - i wasn't feeling well that last time i went to bed at 10pm). i know my limits and nothing was getting done after 9pm.

anyway, today i get to take zoe for a checkup and then i plan to lock myself in a coffee shop, lest i never get work done again.

"...i couldn't help but wonder..."

i think the buddha was onto something. or maybe i'm just crazy. i'm not sure. but it seems that wanting what you'll never have is indeed a significant root of suffering. i can't figure out why i want what i don't have. i have an amazing life. i have a fabulous career (well, the little sprouts of one...), great friends, a wonderful place to live, a beautiful and loving family. why isn't that enough? why do i want things that are always just beyond my reach? why am i desiring something that was idealized but never really realized? maybe i just need to take a nap. i know i need to stop listening to this damn music...

the freak show

i don't know if they've decided to lace catnip with cocaine or if i accidentally picked up a super "potent" variety or if zoe's just naturally wired, but she's been a complete whack job the last couple days. i'm not sure what to do with her. i've tried amping her up a couple hours before going to bed (you know, to try to wear her out) with no success. i've also tried ignoring her outragoues behavior. tried to play with her for a while, in case she was just acting out for attention - it appeased her for a bit. attempted the squirt bottle for certain behaviors with mild success (she's at least considering using the scratch box i got her rather than the carpet...). she's unstoppable.

if i can't stop a kitten from going crazy on me, i don't think i'd be a great mom. likely, i'd be the mother sitting in the middle of the grocery store aisle, day dreaming about life in aruba while my kids danced around eating sugared up cereal and otherwise creating hell on earth. i would probably be the only mother to ever get kicked out of a grocery store permanently. this is my way of saying, mom, i have new found respect for you and your parental ways. don't expect grandkids from your daughter.

at least she's not destroying too much of my apt. hopefully. goodness knows what she does when she actually allows me to fall asleep.

back.

classes started yesterday. good times. stats ii was the first class of the semester and i managed to pay attention 98% of the time and understand about 95% of the material. the goal is to get really really good at stats. that's the goal. we'll see if it actually pans out.

i'm TAing for a criminology course which thrills me to no end, mostly because i love crim. the lectures are a little, well, like overcooked steak (aka "dry"), but overall, it could be much worse. seriously much worse.

today was secondary data analysis and concepts and methods (CAM). they re-vamped CAM for the semester and i'm actually excited about it. so overall, it's good times.

zoe, by the way, is apparently somewhat academic. i'm considering making her my research assistant. she likes to point at the screen when she sees thing moving. okay, so she's just trying to be a pain, but i like to think she has interest in sociology. she has otherwise discovered that my desk is a glorified climbing tower, thanks to an overheard conversation between marianne and me. i apologize to people for talking about zoe so much. i don't have a life and even if i did, i'd probably still talk about her.