one months (oops!)

i realize that it's been a while since i've blogged. it's been a writing-intensive time at work and we've been busy with church stuff, so time (and brain power) to blog has been extremely limited.

that said, i wanted to ramble about the difficult situations i've found myself in recently. i've realized that if you pray for God to improve your character, He will give you more than enough opportunities to work on it. whether in situations designed to help me hold my tongue, to make me think on "such things," to love unconditionally (even when that other person is completely being a "stiff-necked person") - recently whatever situations i encounter throughout the day, i'm challenged to put into action what i've read in acts, philippians, ephesians, romans...etc. when Paul says

The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

i think he knew that we'd need to focus on that last part. practice the hard stuff and know that the God of peace - the Wonderful Creator - will be with you as you make those hard decisions, or - more likely in my case - during those times when you miss the mark (and fail to have "the same attitude as Christ"), the God of peace - my God of peace is with me.

Our Sovereign God

it's been hard to read the news recently. it seems as if everything is falling apart. the economy is crumbling. there are wars and rumors of wars throughout africa and the middle east. people are being persecuted for all sorts of reasons and crime is on the rise. our world leaders are corrupt, compromising and unwilling to value human life.

but our God is sovereign.

Psalm 103: 19-22 says:

The LORD has established His throne in the heavens, and His sovereignty rules over all. Bless the LORD, you His angels. Mighty in strength, who performs His word, obeying the voice of His word! Bless the LORD, all you His hosts. You who serve Him, doing His will. Bless the LORD, all you works for His, in all places of His dominion; Bles the LORD, O my soul!

Everything may fall apart. Things can get a lot worse. But God is sovereign "over all" and I know that His hand is there.

something big...

i have the biggest urge to write. now, i'm a professional writer, so that's not a big deal because i write all the time. but i have a big urge to write something that's not a grant and i want it to be big. i think i want to write a screenplay. i wouldn't even know where to begin...i don't have really a story. i only have one character...and i can't decide whether the character is male or female. and really, besides that, i have no clue what to do with it.

i've been reading a book on writing tools. (it's a fabulous reference, by the way.) and i just feel inspired to start writing something fictional. something that's not all about goals and objectives. we'll see what comes of this...

amazing.

"now that i have seen
i am responsible
faith without deeds is dead
now that i have held you
in my own arms
i cannot let you go until you are"
~Brooke Fraser

this really captures how i feel right now...

the anniversary (ramblings)

august 11 marked my first anniversary for living in florida. it's been an amazing year. it was a easy/hard decision to move here. easy in that i knew this is where i should be and i was and am madly in love with my now-husband. still, the decision was difficult because it meant leaving everything that i was comfortable with and being challenged to live a different life. i've spent a lot of time wanting to go back. i can completely relate to the israelites shortly after they left egypt. they knew that God was calling them to their promised land, but it meant leaving everything that they were familiar with for something that they were not familiar. at some point-- at many points during their journey, they wanted physical and spiritual bondage over the blessing of God. i will be the first to admit that there have been many times when i thought it would be so much easier to move back to massachusetts and finish my degree.

that life was so much easier. i didn't realize how much easier it was. but we're not called to easy. easy means apathy and atrophy. growth comes from challenge. james writes,

2Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

going back means that i would not be moving forward. as much as i think that life in massachusetts (or delaware for that matter) would be easier, it would be so much harder because i would be living it for myself. it would have meant living in God's permissible will rather than His perfect will. i would be missing these character building moments. it's not that i want to go through these hard things, but i have had the opportunity to lean on God. this is the only way to learn. i'm so grateful that He things that i can learn. and it's more than character building. i wouldn't be where i am in my relationship with God if i didn't move down here and allow myself to be in a place where He can use me.

i was reading a book that really hit on eternity. this life is temporal. at some point each of us has to give account for our deeds and what we did with that which God gave to us. i don't want to stand in front of Him and say i lived a normal life and did normal things and that's all i've done. having this eternal mindset has really changed my priorities. if i'm not living for me here, then a lot of stuff just doesn't matter anymore.

i can't wait to see where the next year takes me.

"normal"

i love this quote and felt so convicted by it that i wanted to share with everyone:

Most of us are just trying to live a "normal life." Have you ever found yourself wondering whether or not the goal of life should be normalcy? (Francis Chan, Crazy Love, 2008)

i have so often look at my friends' lives in jealousy because their lives seem so easy. they don't "have to" do the church thing. they don't "have to" live to a high standard. they have it easy because their lives are "normal." they do their thing - go to their job, come home, do whatever they want - but that's not what it's about. "normal" is a pretty low standard when we are pursuing God. when life is done, i hope that the people i leave behind don't say that my life was pretty "normal." we have so much more that we can experience in this life if we just let go of normal and pursue God's purpose for us. even if that means giving up our own dreams for God's.

this isn't a painless process. in fact, since i knew i was moving to Florida, i fought this realization the whole way. i so desperately wanted to be "normal" - normal husband, normal job, normal life. but, as Francis Chan points out, what if that's not the goal?

so i've given in. i'm not going to try to live a "normal" life anymore. i want my life to be so much more than that.

make a difference?

i'm really praying about my passion. i feel like i haven't found it yet. i know that i was passionate about sociology, but the closer i've come in my relationship with God, the less i feel like i can pursue that line of study. but i want to do something. i want to stand up against injustice.

there is too much out there not to do anything. i'm tired of being complacent. i'm going to find a way to change the world.

i'm just praying for guidance on how...

the soundtrack to my life...

This list isn't perfect yet, but here are some of the songs that fit different times in my life...(they are in some chronological order):

Love Song for a Savior Jars of Clay

How to Save a Life The Fray

Hanging by a Moment Lifehouse

Psalm 13 Shane & Shane

Disappear Jars of Clay

Unwell Matchbox Twenty

When Did You Fall? Chris Rice

I Can't Do This Plumb

I Need a Hero Chris Rice

Beauty for Ashes Shane & Shane

Better When We're Together Jack Johnson

Feels Like Home Chantel Kreviazuk

Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Not a God (You Are God Alone)

woot!

my 'rents are coming!!!!!!!

i couldn't be more excited!!

the post from a current insomniac

for about six months now i have been sleeping poorly. i usually fall asleep fine (though in the last couple weeks, that has changed), but after 1am, i continue to wake up. i'm a light sleeper and feel like i dream a lot. it's as if my brain is on overload and just keeps firing information. it won't shut off or up. i continue to think about things i need to do or things i didn't do or things i did...just keeps going...even when i want it to stop. i try to think about nothing, but as soon as a drift off to a light sleep, i'm right back...in the middle of a day...in the middle of a future day....trapped in a constant field of motion...always doing...no rest...

i can usually tell if i got "enough" sleep to get through the day in my walk to the shower in the morning. if i bump into the bathroom door, i know it's going to be a bad day.

insomnia is the most painful thing i can imagine right now. i usually ache the day after a bad night - my body feels so sleep-deprived that i ache. i sometimes get these weird pains in my head (like behind my ear). i'm not sure if they're related, but i got one yesterday (on the left side of my head...they're usually on the right side), and i knew i wasn't going to sleep. and i didn't. last night was the worst night of sleep i've had in a long time.

not to mention that sleep has become my obsession. i talk about it constantly, i think about it constantly. you don't realize how much sleep influences your life until you don't get it any more.

i don't need any suggestions. i've read more articles and books on the topic to write my own book or article, but we don't know enough to fix things right now. "solutions" are plentiful. drink warm milk, establish a bedtime routine, go to bed in a dark room, maintain "sleep hygiene" (i detest that inference), take medication. i'm tired of hearing things as if i'm not "doing it right." i've spent time praying about it. i feel broken. everyone else can sleep, why not me? i'm trapped in this sleepless pattern.

every night, i'm hopeful. i think: this is the night that i'm going to sleep on my own. i feel like if i could just get a few nights sleep on my own, i would feel so much better. i would stop thinking about the lack of sleep...i will continue to hope.

No More Chains

N. Nordeman

How did I get locked up inside?
What’s this that renders me paralyzed?
I lost myself in small pieces
It happened over time

I traded love for a heavy chain
Another link every other day
I pulled it up and down a mountain
It made me want to say…

No more chains
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away

I wonder now if the choice was mine
The door was open, I walked inside
Nobody had my arm twisted
Nobody made me stay

The face of freedom can show up small
A tiny crack in a prison wall
A song that rises up from silence
A voice that wants to say…

I should let you give me wings
I should let you set me free

brokenness

it's been a tough year, with a lot of changes. i didn't think they would (or did) affect me until recently. but God is so good.

i've noticed a brokenness that God is working into my life. i'm really hard on myself. i expect a lot, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. we need high standards so that we are not complacent or lazy in our faith. recently, however, it was getting a little dysfunctional. ironically, as i've come back and have really tried to be the person that God is calling me to be, i lost the grace and freedom that God gives us. as someone who walked away from my faith, i was actually less hard on myself and more forgiving. i did not care whether i messed up, but relaxed, let stuff go wrong and got back up when it was over. in this new life (a wife, a new church, a new job), i wanted to succeed and make God proud of me. instead of relying on God to work His perfect will and correct me, though, i tried to do it o my own. i created this image of what i needed to be and worked so hard to fulfill it. i failed miserably, though. i relied on myself to be perfect and be that "perfect wife" in the church. when i missed the mark, i fell so hard. it was a cycle of negative and depressing dialogue that was belittling my identity in Christ and nearly ruining what should be a happy life. in the middle of all of this, i started to lose sleep. i would go to sleep without any problem, but would not stay asleep. this certainly compounded the problem because i became so sensitive to little mistakes.

thank goodness for the words of Christ:

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matt. 11:29)

i don't need to do this on my own. it is not me who works to my good -- it's God. how many times do i have to lose sight of this awesome truth? i can't make myself perfect. that's why Christ came.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:6)

rest and completion. i cannot do that own my own. it is not my responsibility. i just need to humble and submit myself to God's perfect will and He will work in me to complete His good work in my life.

i still notice my dialogue becoming negative at times. i'm trying very hard to relax and rely on God. i do not need to try so hard. this is a wonderful opportunity to become closer to God. i'm still not sleeping well, but i think God's just giving me a full opportunity to call on His strength.

AHHHHH

does anyone else feel like their drowning?

how much more can a girl take?

the challenge

since i've moved to florida, i've really felt God's push to stop being complacent in my faith. needless to say, this has been the most uncomfortable time in my life. i can't get away with things like i could before. i can't make those small compromises that i could before. when i do mess up, i feel it. it's a new feeling. not like an "oops" moment. it's more serious. it's more...it's just more intense.

this is the way it should be, right? we shouldn't feel comfortable in our faith. in Matthew 10:34, Jesus says, "Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." He is a good Savior and He does bring peace for our salvation, but He does not want us to be comfortable. He calls us to be devoted to Him beyond our worldly associations (v. 35-39).

throughout the Gospels, we see a Savior who does not asks us to be complacent but to go the extra mile; to not just accept the way of doing things, but go above that. for instance, in Matthew 18:21-35 peter and Jesus have a discussion about forgiveness. i love peter. i love peter because i think i identify with him the most sometimes. in Matthew 18, verse 21, peter asks Jesus, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" peter thought he was being hot stuff with this suggested answer. i would have done the same thing. i can imagine peter turning to andrew or john and smiling, saying, "ooh, look at me get some disciple brownie points for saying 'seven times.'" but he never gets those points because Jesus states, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." Jesus, of course, was not suggesting that we count 490 offenses, but that the bar was so much higher than peter could imagine.

this is where i live. i think it's "seven times" and God is always challenging me: "seventy times seven." this is my challenge. i can't be who i was yesterday. i need to be one step closer to "seventy times seven." i need to be nearer to the person God calls us to be when we wear His Name.

Love Thy Neighbors

I'm sure God understood that this commandment was going to be extremely difficult. Especially for me. He created us. He knows we're difficult. He knows I'm impatient with others.

Our "new" neighbors (they've been there for a few months now) are a little obnoxious. They tend to park on our yard (which may or may not be a mistake) and can be generally disrespectful.

Last night, I was trying to go to sleep and could hear our neighbors goofing off outside. Granted, it wasn't really late (it was nearly 10pm), but I was annoyed because I haven't been sleeping well and work has been crazy. I started to talk about them and Evan said, "Carla, just breathe" and made the international sign of taking a relaxing breath. The problem is that I am not a "breathe out" person. I am a hold my breath and count to ten so you don't punch the person in the face kind of person. I'm uptight. I'm impatient. I expect people to show respect for others and get annoyed when they don't.

This is why we have the neighbors we do. I'm convinced that God is trying to make me a "breathe out" kind of person.

music

just before the 40 days began, God was speaking to me about what i let myself hear in the lyrics of secular music. in particular, i've had been so complacently allowing myself to purchase music regardless of the content or reputation of the artist (for instance, amy winehouse....). music is such a powerful medium because what we hear goes to heart often without our brains checking in with the lyrics (i.e. what's being subliminally spoken to our hearts). music is used to convey emotions and messages and it's extremely important that we're careful of what we allow ourselves to hear. for me, this belongs to the small compromises that God is calling me from. Small compromises, regardless of what they are, lead to bigger compromises.

in that vein, God called me to give up secular music for 40 days before Resurrection Sunday. it has been much easier than i thought it would be and i've not faltered (all surprisingly). i originally started listening to secular music because i had a fascination with the musicianship of the artists. then, it grew to a disdain for the campy lyrics and melodies that were part of Christian artists' work at that time. however, in the time that i've been away, the genre has grown lyrically and musically. there are many talented bands and artists. here are the artists/albums that have captured by ear:

Plumb, "Chaotic Resolve" and "Blink
Fireflight, "Unbreakable"
Leeland
David Crowder Band, "Illuminate" and "Sunsets and Sushi"
Jars of Clay (so many of their albums are awesome, but I've recently been obsessed with), "Eleventh Hour"


...And I have a bunch more in my iTunes shopping cart ;-).

my obsession

crunchy spicy tuna roll, here i come!

yay for sushi.

my life as a grantwriter, part i

i'm a grantwriter. well, actually my job is much more than that. my official title is "grant development coordinator" because i'm responsible for coordinating the proposal development teams. this, of course, is not a simple job.

the toughest thing i've learned about being a GDP (haha, that's funny) is that my life revolves around deadlines. there are the grant deadlines (which are non-negotiable), my preferred submission deadlines (at least two or three days before the non-negotiable grant deadlines), deadlines to get things to teams, the teams' deadlines to get things to me (which most people ignore) and...department related deadlines. it's a lot of stress. it means i have to stay organized, i have to work my butt off while at work (and sometimes from home) and i have to try to remain calm. as if remaining calm is easy for me. (that actually stresses me out more)

and then...AND THEN you have the people from a unmentionable department who think YOU DO NOTHING and HAVE NO DEADLINES and CAN DROP EVERYTHING to write something for them YESTERDAY. never mind the fact that i'm working on a $1.2-1.3 million grant that's due in april (which is practically here in grant world). never mind the fact that i'm starting a $900,000 preliminary proposal that's also due in april. never mind the fact that i'm going to start several other grants that are due may and i have 900 other things i'm trying to work out. please, please, never mind all that. i love when people give me things at the last minute.

every morning

every morning, as i set off to go to work, i see an older couple walking on the path on the parkway. it's probably one of my favorite thing of the day. around 7:10am, they're power walking along the road. sometimes they have a friend walking with them, but they're out there every day (unless it's raining). the best part of seeing them walk is that they hold hands as they walk. it's just a great expression of life-long friendship. :-)

The Names of God

I'm doing a personal devotion on the names of God right now. It's been awesome because it's revealing Who God is in so many different ways. I'm half-way through the book and here are the names I've learned:

ELOHIM: God the Creator

EL ELYON: God Most High

EL ROI: The God Who Sees

EL SHADDAI: God Almightly, All Sufficient One

ADONAI: The Lord

JEHOVAH: The Self-Existent One

JEHOVAH-JIREH: The Lord Will Provide

JEHOVAH-RAPHA: The Lord Who Heals


The thing that strikes me about the names (note: plural) of God is that there really is not one that suffices in a description of our Great God. There is El Elyon, which is God Most High, but that does not convey the compassion displayed in El Roi, the God who is so intimately involved in our lives that He sees us. El Shaddai, God Almighty, shows God's awesome (in the true sense of the word) omnipotence, His mighty omniscience, while Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Rapha make the Almighty nature of God so much more personal by His provision and healing us.

He is beyond one name. He is God, but there is so much more to His nature that we had to come up with a host of names to describe Him to all generations. Our God is so great that we need so many words to describe Him.

Doing this study in conjunction with the study at church has been a wonderful opportunity to not only learn the names of God through a devotion, but to see the names play out in the Old Testament. I cannot imagine needing El Shaddai more than when the prophets were speaking the very words of God to rebellious Israel. I am not sure one can identify Jehovah Jireh better than when Elijah was fed by the ravens or when the widow's food miraculously lasted. When God revealed Himself to Hannah, she needed to know that there was a God who saw her misery as a barren woman (and would heal her as Jehovah Rapha). So many times God reveals Himself to humankind as a exactly what we need. The amazing thing is that God continues this even now.

Elisha and Jonah

1 Kings 19: 19-21: The Call of Elisha
19 So Elijah went up from there and found Elisha son of Shaphat. He was plowering with twelve yoke of oxen, and he himself was driving the twelfth pair. Elijah went up to him and threw his cloak around him. 20 Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. "Let me kiss my father and mother good-by," he said, "and then I will come with you."
"Go back," Elijah replied, "What have I done to you?"
21 So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowering equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his attendant.

Compare this to Jonah:
Jonah 1:1-3
1 The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: 2 “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.” 3 But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.


Our College and Career class is doing an Old Testament Survey and we are currently reading about the Divided Israel and the prophets. Though I've read about Elijah and Elisha, I was particularly struck by the passage in 1 Kings, especially when read in comparison with the passage with Jonah. I know that this comparison really isn't fair. I mean, it's Elisha who asked for and received a double-portion of Elijah's ministry. While that is true, Elisha and Jonah had two very different reaction's to the call on their lives.

1) Our reactions matter: God used both men, but it took a lot to get Jonah to cooperate. I mean, being swallowed by a "great fish" really is the giant, glowing billboard on the Spiritual road of life: "JONAH YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY." And as much as I'd like to pretend that I'm more like Elisha, in reality, my heart is too often like Jonah's when God calls me to do something. Jonah struggled much more than he had to because he decided to run from God's call rather than standing up to answer it.

2) Burn your old life: Elisha didn't just leave his old life; he didn't give himself an option of going back. HE BURNED HIS OXEN AND EQUIPMENT. There are few things as dramatic as that. Many times we keep the things that God has called us from, keeping us from fully committing to what He wants for us.

3) God accomplishes His will regardless, but it's better to cooperate: Reading about Elisha's life is like reading about a superstar. He had such an awesome ministry! So many miracles. I flinch when I read Jonah's story. Not only does he initially run away from God's call, he has a poor attitude when he sees what God is doing. Jonah's story ends with a tongue-lashing from God on Jonah's poor attitude regarding God's compassion (the same compassion that perserved his life!). We might not like the call (really, being a prophet in the Old Testament is a tough job), but God's purposes are so much greater than our own.

hello

an awesome way to spend v-day...in case you're making plans for next year.

i don't have much to say. life is chugging along with a pretty boring pattern: work, clean/obligatory event, church, work, clean/obligatory event, church... it's not too bad, but i've recently decided that the two-day weekend is much to short when your husband is a baptist music minister.

in other news, we found a lizard in our house this morning. he was hanging out by our sliding door. this is the second lizard sighting in two days. they freak out when evan tries to put them outside and we might have broken yesterday's lizard's foot. poor guy.

work has been pretty busy. i had to write a grant in two days. i'm getting much better at fudging things (which is horrible to admit!). i wrote some great papers in college, but i think if i were writing them now they would be even better. anyway, the grant is pretty good. i was impressed. i did leave work a couple times nearly in tears. oh well.

i'm hoping to get into beach shape. the weather is finally getting warm enough to see at the beach(i know, crazy because it's february).

still here

i'm back. i had a rough start to 2008. i got sick on new year's eve and passed out. then i got better and went back to work only to get sick again. but i think i'm finally better.

i had a rough day yesterday. i missed everything that i had up in mass so badly. i don't know why. i spent two years wanting this, wanting to be here, wanting to be his wife. i'm not saying that i would give this up for anything in the world (i certainly wouldn't). i just had this moment of confusion. as if the grass could really be greener there. it's over now. thankfully.

in good news, i got my first grant. i guess that means i can stay at dbc. :-)